I’m a stay at home mom (SAHM). Something I never really imagined for myself before getting pregnant. During the first month of taking care of my twins I couldn’t imagine going to work. They took up all of my attention and I wanted nothing more than to be there every minute despite being sleep deprived and having to mostly take care of them and myself.
But now that I’ve adjusted to things, I’ve realized I miss having a steady income. I hate relying on others and not being able to purchase things for myself. Any amount of money I make, I save because I have no idea when I’ll receive anymore income. I’ve managed to save up a bit, but now I just have this anxiety about when it’s all going to disappear. Saving money has never been a problem for me, so I don’t have a clue as to why I have this fear. I am also not one to spend a lot of money. I can be kind of stingy. Yet, I still feel this kind of anxiety.
I also haven’t left the house in ages. I was never a huge fan of working (I like getting paid) but I did like how it forced me out of the house and to socialize. If I ever do leave the house now, it’s only as often as once a week (and that’s being generous). I never really liked doing things outside, but now that I can’t, all I want to do is have some time outside!
Being a mom is kind of like a double edged sword. People frown upon working moms as if it’s bad to be career oriented. Yet, people also object to stay at home moms thinking it’s old fashioned or wrong to be dependent on their husbands. You can’t really win. For me personally, I don’t mind being a stay at home mom but I feel awful for relying on my husband for income. He also makes me feel bad, at times, for staying at home all day taking care of our twins.
But what choice do we really have? Daycare is crazy expensive and the house still needs cleaning. I try my best to be productive and show that I am doing things at home, but it is really hard to find that balance between taking care of the twins, managing the house, cooking, and making time for my blog.
On the other hand, I also wouldn’t mind working. But I just feel so guilty at the thought alone. I won’t be with my children, something else will occupy my attention, I might miss major milestones, and so on. I want to be as present in my children’s lives as often as I can, especially in these early stages of development. They’ll only be so small for so long. Yet the need to want to help support my family and just be able to support myself really gets in the way of being satisfied with being a SAHM.
So as of now, I’m at a crossroad. My current plan is to be a SAHM until my little ones go to pre-k. I’m a little nervous three years of unemployment might effect any chances I have of getting a job. Not to mention, after my husband gets a degree, he’s going to enlist into the military again so who knows where or how often we’ll move. I won’t be able to have a study career due to that either. But that’s a whole other thing.
Since becoming a mother, I have learned that there are so many things that just make being a mom so complex. But there is not a thing I would do to change it. I love being a mom and I love my twins. If being a SAHM is what’s best for them, then that’s what I’ll be. Who knows? Maybe I can find a job where I can work from home. Maybe my blog will really take off. That would be a dream.
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