I hate my postpartum body. And I hate that my weight loss journey is going nowhere.
I knew, when I found out that we were having twins, my body was going to change. But, I honestly was not expecting it to be so drastic. I gained so much weight, my skin got stretched, my bones shifted, my abs were shredded, and those are only some of the things my body went through while pregnant. I haven’t even mentioned the affects labor had on my body. However, I’ll save that for another time.
Towards the end of my pregnancy, I gained about a hundred pounds. I tried so hard to eat right and exercise but it was so hard. I felt exhausted my entire pregnancy. Only in the second trimester did I feel some reprieve. But once I left that trimester, the fatigue was back with a vengeance and I kept gaining weight faster than I could lose it.
I dreaded standing on a scale. I always felt so embarrassed at my doctor appointments when the nurses would write down how many pounds I was in my chart. Even after giving birth and you could see some weight loss. It was never enough for me.
When I looked at myself in the mirror or looked down at my belly, I always cringed. But I wanted to document as much of my pregnancy as I could. Since, despite hating myself, I still loved the little peanuts inside me. And I wanted to remember as much as I could since I knew it would all end eventually.
Most of the weight loss occurred when I gave birth. I had lost half of the weight I had gained while pregnant. This was a huge relief. But since then, I’ve barely been able to shave any of the weight. I know I lost some weight from working out at Orange Theory Fitness. But since this quarantine closed all the gyms, I have not been motivated to workout. Heck, the only reason I went to OTF (while it was open) was because I knew I was spending all that money, and I didn’t want to waste it.
I also used to workout at home, but it’s been hard trying to squeeze a workout in. The babies don’t nap as often not as long as they used too. I try to make myself feel better by thinking how every time I lift a baby up, that’s like lifting 20 pound weights, I’ll also use them for weights and do squats. But I know it’s not enough.
They say, “be proud of what your body did,” “feel blessed you have two healthy babies,” and so on. But saying those things don’t make the way I feel go away. It just makes me feel worse for feeling the way I do.
Of course I’m proud of my body! Of course I feel blessed to have two amazing and healthy babies! This twin pregnancy was hard as hell, but I survived. It is the most difficult thing I’ve ever done (and I graduated college) and nothing can take away this accomplishment.
But I’m not going to lie either. I’m proud of what my body did and I love my kiddos, but I’m not happy with where my postpartum body is. I’m determined to get as close to my pre-pregnancy baby weight as much as possible. I don’t care how long it takes.
Until then, I’m trying to teach myself how to love my postpartum body, to love myself. Because even though I hate it now, it is still my body. It’s the only one I get in this lifetime and I don’t want to hate it. I want to feel confident, I want to feel good about myself, and I want to love everything about me. So I’m being gentle with myself and I’m not rushing the process. I’m just going to enjoy watching my sons play, spending time with my family, and learning to love myself.
I would really love to know I’m not alone, so comment down below if you can relate in some way. How do you deal with weight loss, weight gain, or your postpartum body? If you are unsatisfied with your body or they way you look, please know that you’re beautiful no matter what. You may not be able to see it right now, but the loved ones around you can. So keep working towards your goal, but don’t let the way you look consume you because you are stunning just the way you are.
Thank you for reading today’s blog! I hope you enjoyed it and if you did, please don’t forget to like it. And if you haven’t yet, be sure to subscribe! I would love for you to be apart of the Being Alaia family. You can also follow me on social media! I love interacting with my followers. Thank you for your continuous love and support. I’ll catch you on the next blog! (: