Lately I have been reflecting on this past year and how so much has changed for me. I have noticed that my depression has been taking a heavy toll on me a bit more than it usually does. I suppose that could be the postpartum depression that comes after giving birth but I feel like it might be more than that…
A year ago I found out I was pregnant with twins.
A year ago I graduated college.
A year ago I was planning my wedding.
A year ago I had a nice body that I totally under appreciated.
A year ago I was looking for a job to start my career.
A year ago I was planning on going to graduate school (I even scheduled to take my GRE).
A year ago I had a completely different life.
Now, within the course of a year, I got married and became a stay at home mother to twins with no idea what the future may hold for me. In fact, it’s like my future no longer exist. It’s now my children’s journey and I’m just along for the ride, a side character, a supporting cast role.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my little peanuts and I can’t imagine my life without them. But it’s like a part of me is lost, gone forever. My old life died and now I’m grieving for the parts of me I will never get back. I’m trying to recover from the shock of losing something I never realized I had.
I regret not taking advantage of the things that I used to have (i.e. time, beauty, health, etc.) and I hate that I’m only realizing how much I had now. Becoming a mom is a transformation. No matter how hard you try, nothing can really prepare you for what your new future is about to become. Then I feel guilty for missing my old life and everything that I used to have. I birthed two amazing babies and I am blessed for that.
It has been hard trying to cope with my new role in life. But every time I catch a smile from my little babies, my heart melts and I know that everything is meant to be. If only I could capture that feeling. Then, when I have my moments of doubt or feel like I’m missing out on something, I don’t feel like I’m falling behind. I’ll feel encouraged or excited for what new things my little loves will experience and discover.
Because when I really think about it, I haven’t lost anything. I still have my life, my family, my friends. There is just so much more to who I am now. I’ve grown, shed my old skin, started a new chapter of my life, transformed into something else. I am starting something new, I became something new. I am now a mother, a wife. So I guess I’m not really losing myself . . . who I am has just changed and evolved into something better.
I am still adjusting to this new life and new me. But when I look at my babies, I know everything is how it is meant to be. It may not have been something I was prepared for, but I am ready for this alternate journey. This year brought change, I wonder what another year will bring me.
Thank you for reading! If you liked what you read please like it down below. I know all mom’s suffer from self doubt every once in a while so I hope reading this makes you feel less alone. Comment below how a year has changed your life! Also be sure to check out everything Being Alaia has to offer and subscribe! Thank you again, and see you on the next one! (: